“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
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Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you criticize,you are a mile away from them & have their shoes
When God closes a door, He usually makes sure my fingers are in it.
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Sex in your 40’s:
* CRRRACK *
Her: Was that me or you?
Me: Just go with it, we’ll assess injuries later.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Been working out. Pretty sure I can beat up half the kids from “Stranger Things” now.