Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.

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Me: I’ll take one insurance

Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that

Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please


interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway


*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*

[wife texts me from France]



Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out

Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are


If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.


I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.


*tries for a year to brush and floss better*

*goes to dentist*

Dentist: Do you even own a toothbrush?


Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.


It’s a good thing this video game is rated mature because it’s going to be babysitting the kids tonight.