Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.

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Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.


I can undo a bra with two fingers and no eyes but can’t tie a tie with both hands and a 6 minute video tutorial.


The show Hoarders is like a snooze button for cleaning your house, “My place isn’t that bad, I can go another week”


Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.


If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.


When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home


Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.


*phone rings*

Wife: Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me: *dresses baby up in Superman costume & duct tapes him to ceiling fan*

Wife – “….””


RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband