@lisaxy424

Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.

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@SortaBad

“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”

Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds

@Annoyinglyhappy

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you criticize,you are a mile away from them & have their shoes

@WheelTod

[Funeral]

Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”

Widow: “Please do”

Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”

Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”

@Midlifecrisis18

Sex in your 40’s:

(Position change)

* CRRRACK *

Her: Was that me or you?

Me: Just go with it, we’ll assess injuries later.

@phirm

Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?

@ShesARealGenius

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

@ktmcburr

Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?

@TomSchally

It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.

@delusions_of

Been working out. Pretty sure I can beat up half the kids from “Stranger Things” now.