@curlycomedy

Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.

You Might Also Like

@hello_saylor

A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.

@benicus_rex

The barber asked me “do u have any kids” & I said “I do not, no” and he got very quiet, realize now he probs thought I said “I do not know”

@SnarkyMommy78

Me: I need to get my shit together

My shit: not today, girl, not today

@qikipedia

In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.

@dafloydsta

[therapy]

ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me

PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family

@benharnett

I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.

@InternetHippo

[thoughts of person talking to me]: He’s furrowing his brow, he must really be listening!

[my brain]: How do cows make cheese

@BigJDubz

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

@BoomBoomBetty

Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead