@curlycomedy

Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.

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@Jay_FrickinLynn

[During Interview]
“Do you have any questions?”
– Yeah, inTitanic why did Jack sink when he died but everyone else floated?

@juliussharpe

If you just got invited to do something on New Year’s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.

@3_livi

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer

@eslpaul

Worst part about going to the dentist is sitting in the waiting room, anticipating, dreading, listening to the poor guy already in there, knowing that you’ll be next to get floss-shamed

@ElliotHetherton

‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic

@PleaseBeGneiss

Coworker: did you get a tan?

Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan

@SavoirFail

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

@chrisdowning

Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.

@SuperApple8

Me: BARTENDER! Bring me another beer.

Him: Mom, I’m doing my homework.

Me: *claps* Star!

Him: I hate Twitter.

Me: *belch* blocked.