Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
You Might Also Like
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
My dad is at it again
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
😂 amazing answer
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.