Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
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Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest