Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
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[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
August 8
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK