*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*

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okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith


First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.


OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.


A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.


Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.


Sorry you got offended that I pre-sold tickets to your funeral.


“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.


It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’


ME: So you indicate action using airstrikes?

HER: What? No, I said asterisks.

ME: Ha, of course. [to walkie-talkie] Disengage. DISENGAGE!


I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.