*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
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Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I feel it
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.