@DanMentos

*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*

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@JesKeepSwimming

The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.

Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.

@psybermonkey

Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary

Cop on other side: what is he doing

@Nikkeya08

Police officer: When’s your birthday?

Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four

PO: What year?

Me: Ugh duh every year

@BlindVigil

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

@mattZillaaaa

I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.

@LostFelicia

My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.

@LindzThoughts

I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.

@aotakeo

me: thinking about getting into necrophilia

her: over my dead body

me: that’s the spirit

@Breadery

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.