*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
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Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!