*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*

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The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.

Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.


Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary

Cop on other side: what is he doing


Police officer: When’s your birthday?

Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four

PO: What year?

Me: Ugh duh every year


Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”


I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.


My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.


I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.


me: thinking about getting into necrophilia

her: over my dead body

me: that’s the spirit


Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.