The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
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Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.