Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
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Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.