When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
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GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.