Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
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*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
Me: I don’t like online shopping. I’m old school. I need to touch it, smell it, taste it.
Her: I still need you to leave our lingerie store.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
2: Are chickens real?
Me: No one knows.