Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
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Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please