@JasonLastname

Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?

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@Smethanie

Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.

@briancthayer

*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.

@Eden_Eats

Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.

@sara_ashlynn

My son kneed himself on the trampoline.

*black eye forming

Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.

@radtoria

[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT

@AristotlesNZ

Me: I don’t like online shopping. I’m old school. I need to touch it, smell it, taste it.
Her: I still need you to leave our lingerie store.

@Chelsea_Elle

Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.

@Ivsy01

Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.

@JillianKarger

I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive