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New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
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My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting