@Chhapiness

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

- @Chhapiness

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@carlyken

me: *fixing something*

him: that’s not broken

me: well, it is now

@AbrasiveGhost

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted

@E_lok44

If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.

@roxiqt

If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.

@ericsshadow

My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

@lurve_meh

It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”

@PFTompkins

I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:

At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them

@thagr8short1

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

@RiotGrlErin

Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.