*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
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if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
congratulations to them
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care