@thestlouisan

– Password must be stronger –

ME: mybodyodorafterexercisingjkidontexercise

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@bellicosejason

A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.

@NotTodayEric

I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.

@vineyille

Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”

@egg_dog

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

@VinnieLovelace

Saw a guy with a barcode tattoo on his neck. Scanned it with my RedLaser app & he couldn’t believe I found him cheaper on 3 online stores

@karlainvt

Sometimes I drink water just to surprise my liver…

@vineyille

Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.

@MizzSlaughter

Take your time, Officer. I have nothing but respect for the law. Your imminent death on this dark side street can wait.