Just heard a lady in Target scream “WE DON’T BUY THINGS JUST TO BUY THINGS” at her kids and now I kinda wish she’d have a talk with me also.
– Password must be stronger –
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WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Cheer up you won’t be single forever. One day you’ll die
1. Invite snowmen into your conference room.
2. Turn up heat.
3. Negotiate on YOUR terms.
Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they’re stabbing it? No? How about now?
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.