[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
You Might Also Like
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
🙂🐾
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom