Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
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if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Is this a threat?
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.