Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
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my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
<—- homeless romantic
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
need him
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.