Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
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you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.