@robfee

Past elections: Which candidate will most improve our country?

2016 election: Which candidate is least likely to start The Purge?

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@usermcuserface

You start a mosh pit at the orchestra one time and all of a sudden you’re “banned for life” and “arrested”.

@PaperWash

Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet

@PleaseBeGneiss

5yo: I love tv

Me: if you love it so much, why don—

5yo: I’m going to marry the tv

@weinerdog4life

Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.

@causticbob

Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?

Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.

@buhsbaby_baby

Do you guys ever put sheets over your dogs so they look like little dog ghosts? Me neither.

@Brampersandon_

[zombie movie set]

Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”

*actors look around confused as heck*