Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
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I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
North and South
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Meanwhile in Canada…
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*