[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
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had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith: