Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
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Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
emergency phone
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks