@ericonederful

Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.

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@fart

what’s cool about Mitt Romney is that when you put politics aside he’s still a genuinely detestable person

@krustythe_klown

A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀

@WhatsAGreenhorn

Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off

@mollzbenn

I told mom that my electric bill was only $22 last month and she said “Seems right for someone who sits in the dark and drinks alone every night.” Would someone please tell her to stop owning me, I’m her daughter for God’s sake.

@delusions_of

If you think I’m sexy now wait till you see me eat a cheeseburger with no hands.

@carlyken

If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.

@HenpeckedHal

You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.

@mrjohndarby

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

@itmegreggy

[first mma fight]

me: Pikachu I choose you!

Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle

me: *throws rat taped to a taser*

@Home_Halfway

People ask me what I’m really into these days. I tell them “debt.”