Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
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Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
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hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married