A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
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[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
My dad is at it again
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician