PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part

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Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.


It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.

For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.


Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.


Man: a pack of condoms please.

Cashier: would you like a paper bag?

Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.


“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.


–Wanna go rubbing in the park tomorrow with me?

Thanks auto correct, this is why I can’t have nice friends.


Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché


DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/


I want a doctor and a lawyer to do commentary on Home Alone and discuss the severity of the injuries and the liability of the homeowners.


Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2

Friend: What?

Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn

Friend: Who hurt you?