@DrDogMD

PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part

You Might Also Like

@sixfootcandy

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

@WheelTod

It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.

For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.

@StymieBrewer

Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.

@LetsGet9ined

Man: a pack of condoms please.

Cashier: would you like a paper bag?

Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.

@imence2

“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.

@AdderallMomma

–Wanna go rubbing in the park tomorrow with me?

Thanks auto correct, this is why I can’t have nice friends.

@oopstastik

Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché

@thecoliny

DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/

@OctopusCaveman

I want a doctor and a lawyer to do commentary on Home Alone and discuss the severity of the injuries and the liability of the homeowners.

@Browtweaten

Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2

Friend: What?

Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn

Friend: Who hurt you?