PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
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Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go