PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
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I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
they split up moments later
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’