PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
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i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
*swipes right on my hand mirror
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
what’s really going on