PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
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this is funnier than any friends episode
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now