Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
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The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*