This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
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Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
bugs when you lift up a rock
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
The cashier just checked me out.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django