@tastefactory

PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now

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@JohnLyonTweets

The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.

@jazmasta

[speaking to an attractive lady] “How can a beautiful girl like you be single?!”
“Dave, I literally dumped you 5 minutes ago. Please leave”

@MavenofHonor

Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse

@TripleFlip66

[crouches down]
[rubs earth between fingers]
‘The pizza went that way ..’

@jewfacekilla

MTVs Teen Mom has been cancelled. At least one person on that network knows when to pull out.

@MatCro

[French restaurant]

DANIEL: Promise me, not again

MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?

[waiter comes]

D: Don-

M: [waves hand] Garcoff

@Adyaces

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

@ch000ch

the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO