PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
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If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Solving a traffic jam
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.