The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
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[speaking to an attractive lady] “How can a beautiful girl like you be single?!”
“Dave, I literally dumped you 5 minutes ago. Please leave”
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
[rubs earth between fingers]
‘The pizza went that way ..’
MTVs Teen Mom has been cancelled. At least one person on that network knows when to pull out.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO