@HushJared

Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.

911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?

Patient: I think so. I was asleep.

911: Any idea what set him off?

Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.

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@HousewifeOfHell

My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.

@greg_vee

If intelligence runs in your family, I can only guess it tripped and fell before it got to you.

@Cryptoterra

NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money

@FredTaming

airline: will you be checking your bags, sir

me: again? I did that three times at home

@valerie_tosi

Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.

@ericsshadow

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.

@AlexvanBeek

Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.

@TheAlexP

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

@samalmightysam

Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?