My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
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If intelligence runs in your family, I can only guess it tripped and fell before it got to you.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?