Patrick: “Did you see my underwear?” Mindy: “No.” Patrick: “Do you wanna?”

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[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]


I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.


*to woman next to me in yoga*

how do you get the mat to stop curling back up


My mom pops out from under the table while I’m on a date.

She’s always been a good eater. You see her hips? Good hips. Stand up, show him-


I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.


“Went to watch a movie, I was wearing shorts and he swiped his finger on my leg. Later found out he wiped his booger on me”


That awkward moment when you accidently knock a 90 year old over trying to get to the buffet first.


I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra


*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*


Friend: I think I smell burnt toast

Me: that’s awesome! You don’t have Covid