Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
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If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Thank you corporation very cool
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
what does he know…
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
translated into Canadian
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken