Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
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Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
*weighs self after shaving
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?