paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
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I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
what day is it?
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.