paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
You Might Also Like
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
accurate
There’s always that one guy
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Have kids, they said
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh