@Token_Geezer

Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’

But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’

So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit

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@GordoHelio

Job interview…

H- “So how would you describe yourself?”

Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..

@ThaJawn

What if the washer has been stealing the socks and we have just been blaming the dryer?

@turtledumplin

My kids seem to remember everything they ever wanted to tell me whenever I’m in the bathroom with the door shut.

@MandiAtRandom

“Can you cook dinner tonight?”

Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light

@bananafitz

ITEMS EVERY WOMAN SHOULD OWN:
-Little Black Dress
-Cute flats
-Strappy s- ok now that the men have stopped reading, we revolt at dawn.

@Skullcat

Before this goes any further, it’s important that I know your position on foreign films with subtitles.

@Epygma

Im still waiting for a movie in which someone says “buy me some time” and the guy goes and buys him a clock

@AndyAsAdjective

Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf

@HomeProbably

Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.

@dril

please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,