Take your age and add 5 to it. That is your age in 5 years.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
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I normally stay out of political talk on social media, but this is TOO FUNNY! #TacoTrucksOnEveryCorner
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
My four year old sent me his first ever text from my wife’s phone and it’s such a great thing that he starts school on Monday
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft