*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
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88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*