@Fred_Delicious

*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”

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@ElgatoEsmio

[DUI checkpoint]

Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger

Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff

@MinionTrainer

Noticed lots of older people reading the bible. It’s like they are cramming for their final exam.

@LostFelicia

Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.

@UncleDuke1969

His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s

@usedwigs

Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.

@ThrillHicks

What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.

@effinghandbook

Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.

@Book_Krazy

Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me