*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
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The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.