@RobDenBleyker

Paula Deen should create her own brand of butter called I Can’t Believe It’s Not 1860.

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@JB4Realz

I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.

@Jamberee13

I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.

@panmidwest

ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol

SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from

@FullMetalMommy

My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.

@QTAnon1

I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot.

If you’re interested, let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get it for you.

@katebarstool

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

@DothTheDoth

I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.

@Only_Fast_Eddie

People tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room. It’s called arson and those people are called witnesses.

@shutupmikeginn

Me:I think I just saw the main guy from Transformers you know, ol’ what’s his name
Friend: Shia Lebouff
Me: Yeah, the one whose a truck

@PleaseBeGneiss

Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something

Ouija board: s o m e t-

Wife: that’s him