Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
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woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
That’s fair
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”