*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
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ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas