adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
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I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.