I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
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If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”