girl: My dad died when i was little, his car got hit by a train
Me: what kind of train
Pavlov: the dogs salivate when I ring a bell
Me: weird. Why?
Pavlov: they connect two unrelated events due to repeated conditioning
Me: haha stupid animals
Pavlov: the experiment took 69 days
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I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
If I die before I wake, please convince mom this twitter account is fake. Amen.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Me: *dying on table*
Doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not going to *notices my crocs* Time of death 10:05 P.M.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7