♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
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[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Yep.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat