“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
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DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?