Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
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[me as a poltergeist]
*putting forks in the spoon section of the cutlery drawer* ooooOooOooooo
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.