@LoveNLunchmeat

Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.

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@AlexEllisdon

Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet

@trojansauce

[me as a poltergeist]
*putting forks in the spoon section of the cutlery drawer* ooooOooOooooo

@iwearaonesie

me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*

@herprettybones

I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.

@crunchenhanced

*Stands at produce aisle

*Grabs GIANT zucchini

*Holds it high in the air

*Yells:

Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!

@jwoodham

The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.

@ieatanddrink

Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you

@Parkerlawyer

My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.