Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
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I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Netflix and you sit over there.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Who.
Did.
This?
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”