“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
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Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.