“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
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If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.