Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.

Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.

- @heathenassault

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birthday cards don’t be coming with checks no more. which is wild because 12 year old me didn’t need that $50 like 31 year old me needs that $50. our system is broken.


I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.


You know you’ve seen too many walking dead episodes when your hand gets stung by a bee and you start screaming for everyone to cut it off


bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road


I’m not stalking you but I have managed to trace your family tree back to 1724


10 years later if Romeo and Juliet had lived:
Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?

Sigh….trying to watch the game here Julie.


toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.


Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”


[me telling a joke]

guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.

ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.