@heathenassault

Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.

Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.

- @heathenassault

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@spinnellii

birthday cards don’t be coming with checks no more. which is wild because 12 year old me didn’t need that $50 like 31 year old me needs that $50. our system is broken.

@DeadLioness

I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.

@jake_lach

You know you’ve seen too many walking dead episodes when your hand gets stung by a bee and you start screaming for everyone to cut it off

@PoshTick

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road

@skin_and_i

I’m not stalking you but I have managed to trace your family tree back to 1724

@usermcuserface

10 years later if Romeo and Juliet had lived:
Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?

Sigh….trying to watch the game here Julie.

@fakegoldegg

toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.

@gavinspeiller

Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”

@ericsshadow

[me telling a joke]

guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.

ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.