@jonnysun

*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now

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@elle91

Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.

Me: Like this?

Friend: No, not like that

Me: How about now?

Friend: Please stop

Me:

@Browtweaten

Me: You said everything in here was edible

Willy Wonka: Yes, but-

Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut

@RidiculousSheri

Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.

@MaraWilson

The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind

@RickAaron

I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.

@withanewname

“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”

“What kind are you using?”

“Grape”

@Matt_the_1st

Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan

@BethsButt

I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.