*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
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There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Catercrombie & Fish
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said