Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
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Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.